A lot has been written about the wonderful (in my opinion) effect chastity and orgasm denial has on men in general. There are dozens of blog, even entire websites devoted to it. I always enjoy reading them but now, I think, time has come to share my own experiences. Let me warn you upfront that very likely, most of what you are about to read you have heard, read or experienced before (if your orgasms are strictly controlled and regulated) but please remember, this blog is about documenting my submissive life for myself, and more importantly for my Mistress.
1) Submission and Obedience. After just a few days of teasing and denial I am quite responsive to several visual and verbal "hair triggers". I can not really control my response (usually an erection but also thoughts or images in my mind which inevitably result in an erection sooner or later). I must admit I quite enjoy this type of helplessness. I become much more interested in serving my Mistress in any way I possibly can. Whether it is fetching things for Her or pleasuring Her whenever She wants to and for however long She wants to. Mistress Herself recognizes it and frequently cites it as a reason for not allowing me to orgasm. For example, recently we were at a wedding of one of Her friends - an event with all due respect I could easily skip. While we were in the hotel room, the day before the wedding, I asked when She thinks She will let me orgasm. She said "Well, it's been long enough, but if you have one now you will be insufferable and miserable at the wedding, so no. Not today, not tomorrow". I agree with Her, because while orgasm after several long weeks is certainly absolutely indescribable, I myself hate how I feel after those several seconds of intense pleasure. Soon thereafter I start to regret it and wish I could turn the clock back just 10 minutes. Here I must point out that my chastity is not enforced by any chastity device, although we are currently in possession of a pretty pink CB-2000. Of course it is one of my fantasies to wear a chastity device 24/7 but considering my body build, it is simply impossible to hide. I still wish Mistress used it more often on me but I am in no position to ask Her to do it.
2) Brain Chemistry. I am not sure whether this is a right term but when I am denied orgasms I feel like I am a different person. My perception of things and events changes, my mood, my outlook on life, my interests, etc. For example I am not interesting in hanging out with men. This is very easy considering that at this point, most of my friends are in fact women and the same goes for my coworkers. And my facebook friends. But regardless of that, I would almost say I crave the company of women. There is nothing sexual about this, I simply feel very comfortable in their company. Plus, as far conversations go, there is not much I can talk about with (stereotypical) men anyway - I feel like not being interested in sports eradicates 60% of potential conversation topics; fishing, hunting, beer, cars, motorcycles, guns, politics and related topics are another 30%; 5% are usually comments about women and 5% is miscellaneous. It may very well not be this way everywhere but men in most placed where I worked certainly conformed to this stereotype. My interests shift towards "girly things", so to speak. I enjoy reading Mistress' Glamour magazine, browsing the web for shoes (love those platform high heels) or clothes. Oh and music and movies too. I am much more interested in watching what would be termed by men as "chick flicks" and almost exclusively listen to music performed by female artists. I don't really make a conscious choice, it sort of comes naturally. I realize it probably sounds pretty weird but during these times of extended orgasm denial, I especially enjoy Britney Spears and female pop performers (feel free to judge). I must say that I am making quite sure no one knows this interesting fact about me, but I do chuckle a bit inside when I pass people at work and they have no idea what's playing on my ipod. I am not going to disclose what used to listen to before living with Mistress but it was as far away from pop as it gets. Honestly, I am curious when I find myself in bed reading romance novels :-).
3) Crossdressing. This of course is a major part of my life and of course, the more I get denied the more I want to crossdress. It is as plain and simple as it get and I am sure in no way unique. Unfortunately our work schedules frequently interfere with "playing dress-up" as Mistress calls it but I suppose it is that much more enjoyable when we finally do. Of course I would like to dress up pretty much every day, especially on weekends but much like with the chastity device, I am in no position to suggest it. I am not sure if I would get punished but Mistress would probably disappointed.
4) Sexuality. I am a perfectly happy heterosexual male and I do enjoy sex with women. Well, with my Mistress really and I am very lucky to be Her (and only Hers) sexual partner. Interestingly, when I look at women in magazines or catalogs (Victoria's Secret is one of my favorites) or even when I meet them in the street, I no longer see them as sexual objects (which is how it was before). I am sure you know what I mean. I do not look at them as a man anymore. I am hesitant to say I look at them as another woman, because of course I have no idea. Another interesting occurrence are homosexual dreams. Sure, I have had some dreams like that before I was collared by Mistress but when I am denied orgasms they become much more frequent and much more vivid. Almost exclusively, in these dreams I am dressed up and in some sort of submissive and usually sexual position with a man (or men) with Mistress around (or with Her presence inferred) about half the time. I do sometimes tell Her about these and She laughs and says, She is not surprised.
So in a nutshell, this is what is going on in my head. I wonder what is going through other people's heads weeks or months after their last orgasm.