Wednesday, September 16, 2009
1) Submission and Obedience. After just a few days of teasing and denial I am quite responsive to several visual and verbal "hair triggers". I can not really control my response (usually an erection but also thoughts or images in my mind which inevitably result in an erection sooner or later). I must admit I quite enjoy this type of helplessness. I become much more interested in serving my Mistress in any way I possibly can. Whether it is fetching things for Her or pleasuring Her whenever She wants to and for however long She wants to. Mistress Herself recognizes it and frequently cites it as a reason for not allowing me to orgasm. For example, recently we were at a wedding of one of Her friends - an event with all due respect I could easily skip. While we were in the hotel room, the day before the wedding, I asked when She thinks She will let me orgasm. She said "Well, it's been long enough, but if you have one now you will be insufferable and miserable at the wedding, so no. Not today, not tomorrow". I agree with Her, because while orgasm after several long weeks is certainly absolutely indescribable, I myself hate how I feel after those several seconds of intense pleasure. Soon thereafter I start to regret it and wish I could turn the clock back just 10 minutes. Here I must point out that my chastity is not enforced by any chastity device, although we are currently in possession of a pretty pink CB-2000. Of course it is one of my fantasies to wear a chastity device 24/7 but considering my body build, it is simply impossible to hide. I still wish Mistress used it more often on me but I am in no position to ask Her to do it.
2) Brain Chemistry. I am not sure whether this is a right term but when I am denied orgasms I feel like I am a different person. My perception of things and events changes, my mood, my outlook on life, my interests, etc. For example I am not interesting in hanging out with men. This is very easy considering that at this point, most of my friends are in fact women and the same goes for my coworkers. And my facebook friends. But regardless of that, I would almost say I crave the company of women. There is nothing sexual about this, I simply feel very comfortable in their company. Plus, as far conversations go, there is not much I can talk about with (stereotypical) men anyway - I feel like not being interested in sports eradicates 60% of potential conversation topics; fishing, hunting, beer, cars, motorcycles, guns, politics and related topics are another 30%; 5% are usually comments about women and 5% is miscellaneous. It may very well not be this way everywhere but men in most placed where I worked certainly conformed to this stereotype. My interests shift towards "girly things", so to speak. I enjoy reading Mistress' Glamour magazine, browsing the web for shoes (love those platform high heels) or clothes. Oh and music and movies too. I am much more interested in watching what would be termed by men as "chick flicks" and almost exclusively listen to music performed by female artists. I don't really make a conscious choice, it sort of comes naturally. I realize it probably sounds pretty weird but during these times of extended orgasm denial, I especially enjoy Britney Spears and female pop performers (feel free to judge). I must say that I am making quite sure no one knows this interesting fact about me, but I do chuckle a bit inside when I pass people at work and they have no idea what's playing on my ipod. I am not going to disclose what used to listen to before living with Mistress but it was as far away from pop as it gets. Honestly, I am curious when I find myself in bed reading romance novels :-).
3) Crossdressing. This of course is a major part of my life and of course, the more I get denied the more I want to crossdress. It is as plain and simple as it get and I am sure in no way unique. Unfortunately our work schedules frequently interfere with "playing dress-up" as Mistress calls it but I suppose it is that much more enjoyable when we finally do. Of course I would like to dress up pretty much every day, especially on weekends but much like with the chastity device, I am in no position to suggest it. I am not sure if I would get punished but Mistress would probably disappointed.
4) Sexuality. I am a perfectly happy heterosexual male and I do enjoy sex with women. Well, with my Mistress really and I am very lucky to be Her (and only Hers) sexual partner. Interestingly, when I look at women in magazines or catalogs (Victoria's Secret is one of my favorites) or even when I meet them in the street, I no longer see them as sexual objects (which is how it was before). I am sure you know what I mean. I do not look at them as a man anymore. I am hesitant to say I look at them as another woman, because of course I have no idea. Another interesting occurrence are homosexual dreams. Sure, I have had some dreams like that before I was collared by Mistress but when I am denied orgasms they become much more frequent and much more vivid. Almost exclusively, in these dreams I am dressed up and in some sort of submissive and usually sexual position with a man (or men) with Mistress around (or with Her presence inferred) about half the time. I do sometimes tell Her about these and She laughs and says, She is not surprised.
So in a nutshell, this is what is going on in my head. I wonder what is going through other people's heads weeks or months after their last orgasm.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
That was all to change this weekend, however, as Mistress laid out the rules on Saturday morning before She left.
- Wear panties every day. Before leaving, Mistress picked out three pairs of panties - black, white and pink for me to wear (She does this every morning). I decided to save the pink lacy ones to greet Mistress in on Monday.
- Wear maid's uniform, including the new maid shoes, except during times of heavy cleaning so as to avoid staining and damaging it. You can see my outfit laid out for me in the picture above.
- No unauthorized touching or masturbating, except on both evenings I was going to be alone I was ordered to masturbate and bring myself to the edge and then stop.
- Practice eye-makeup techniques on both days.
- Wear the pink nightie from Victoria's Secret to bed every night.
- Clean, scrub, vacuum, organize, wash, fold, dust ... etc.
Anyway, It was very nice to be dressed like this after a long time and I must say I enjoyed my maid duties a lot. Fortunately, the chastity device prevented me from having frequent and involuntary erections. It took me the rest of the day to clean as I was in no rush, enjoying every single minute of my submissive maidhood. I think changing bedding, vacuuming and dusting were especially enjoyable. At night I changed into the pink nightie, removed my CB2000 that was starting to hurt a lot and masturbated for only a few minutes before I felt a massive orgasm coming. I forced myself to stop imagining the massive beating I would receive for violating Mistress' orders. It's been exactly a week since my last release and I suspect I have another week to go before I am allowed to orgasm. I was pretty tired so I fell asleep quite quickly dreaming (quite vividly) about Mistress spilling the secrets of our relationship to one of Her friends (never seen the friend before). This scared me a bit because as far as I know, no one knows about our particular arrangement.
I woke up with a massive hard-on so I had to wait before I was able to use the bathroom. The male anatomy is so imperfect! After the shower I changed into the maid's outfit again, practiced (and mostly failed) the make-up techniques and spent most of the day inside, just enjoying myself. I did some more cleaning, watched a bit of TV, read Mistress' Glamour magazine and evening met up with two female friends of Mistress & mine and we went to the beach and then had dinner together. What a wonderful evening. Before going to bed I brought myself to the edge of orgasm after reading some femdom and bdsm blogs and stopped literally one second away from cumming. My sexual frustration is growing but that is simply how things are. I have surrendered myself to my beautiful Mistress, devoted my life to Her and accepted the duty of servitude and constant sexual frustration. And I highly recommend that to everyone!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Naturally I immediately got very excited but there was still laundry needed to be done and I also wanted to get my treadmill exercise out of the way so that we can both enjoy this evening and let it smoothly morph into a peaceful and restful night. After everything was finished I took a long shower, shaved my cock and balls as well as my face for Mistress who likes it smooth. I was then put into a burgundy corset and matching lacy boy-cut panties.
I got in immediate erection which lasted pretty much until we were done playing. But I am under a strict no-touching policy and Mistress was certainly in no mood to touch it either. I may have already mentioned that I am currently in orgasm denial training, slowly working my way up to being orgasm-free for at least a month (or longer) at a time. I am currently going for two weeks and seeing how my last release (and a spectacular one at that) was on Sunday night, I gave up all hopes of penis-related pleasure and started enjoying the sexual frustration.
Well, at this point I was very horny and felt to be in need of some emotional fulfillment. I asked Mistress if She wouldn't mind me worshiping Her body for a while. She rarely turns down an opportunity like this, She likes is when I suggest cuddling or petting, although She naturally can say no as She is clearly in charge of this relationship. She took a quick shower and a few minutes later we were in bed - me still dressed up, with my wig and makeup on - gently kissing and caressing each others bodies. Stuff like this makes me quite hard which Mistress knows so She made sure to "accidentally" touch my cock through the panties every now and then. Eventually I proceeded to kiss Her neck, nibble on Her nipples before moving onto Her exquisite pussy and pleasuring Her with tongue.
I have done this many times before but I don't think I was ever dressed like this and I must say it was an entirely different experience. Soooooo exciting. After several minutes She had a beautiful orgasm and then we cuddled until She fell asleep on my arm. She is so beautiful! I almost fell asleep as well but at the last moment forced myself to get up to remove my makeup and to tidy up the apartment a bit. And to share my fresh experience with the readers of this blog of course!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Anyway, this time I was actually looking to buy shoes because the black 3 inch heels I have had for a while and a bit small and narrow and hurt like hell after about 30 minutes of walking around the house. I (and I suppose Mistress as well) do not generally mind this type of torture because pain serves as constant reminder of my position in this relationship but my improperly fitting high heels can do significant amount of damage to one's feet. And my feet would hurt the next day after wearing these heels. So I decided to shop for a new pair.
Even those this new pair would be more comfy I was still expecting a pretty painful training process and adjustment period. I am planning to work up to a full day wearing by starting at at an hour or so (depending on how they feel right when I put them on for the first time) and then gradually increase the time. This approach seems to work very well with pretty much everything else - from running to bondage and all the way to butt plug training ;-).
So I am browsing through the countless online shoe retailers, finding a few suitable candidates but it still not perfectly happy with what I was seeing. Mind you, I have seen plenty of hot heels that I would buy pretty much right away, but of course this was not my decision to make. Mistress would have to like these shoes as well and even if She liked them, She would still need to give me the permission to buy them. Eventually I found a pair that seemed to be perfect. They were even called "Maid Shoes" and besides being quite sexy, they were available in my size! With my shopping done, I bookmarked the page for Mistress to see the next day and went sleep.
My thoughts before falling asleep were revolving around me showing the shoes to Mistress in the morning and hoping She would not laugh at me. A lot of things I find hot or sexy She finds trashy and would never allow me to buy, much less wear. So I was a bit worried but Mistress loved them and ordered me to buy them right away so they get here as soon as possible. Unfortunately, they are being shipped ground from California so I have about a week of impatient waiting. And here they are:
You can get yours here ;-)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
i am a thirty something submissive male with crossdressing tendencies. i guess that is one way to put it. i am not sure when it began but i do remember when i was a kid and liking playing dress-up. A lot. i guess, much like being gay, this was not a result of nurture, but rather nature. And i certainly do hope my family forgot and does not suspect anything anymore. And i kinda forgot too. Until college, where my first girlfriend was very dominant and knew very well how to use my submissive nature to Her advantage. Those were some wild times, although it all feels like a distant dream now. Perhaps, during one of those slow days when there is not much to report i will try to remember those days.
Anyway, fast forward to when i met Mistress A. Well, She wasn’t a Mistress then … She probably didn’t even suspect She could be one at that point. Anyway, we fell in love almost instantly and we are still very much in love. After a year or so i confessed all of my kinks and fetishes to Her. i was unsure how She would react and was very embarrassed that evening as i was pacing nervously around my apartment, babbling about my submissive nature, submissive desires and crossdressing fantasies. To my surprise, She was not freaked out, in fact seemed to realize the potential of a Dominant/submissive relationship. Or maybe She just really liked the idea of being in charge. We eventually moved in together and started experimenting with D/s lifestyle. Everything was great, we procured quite an assortment of toys – both for pleasure and for punishment. She was my Mistress and i was Her pet, Her servant and Her maid.
Perhaps inevitably, the work, the stress and the mundane life routine got the best of us. Although we got engaged, we abandoned the lifestyle and returned to Vanillaville. Work, work and more work. i eventually started to lose interest in anything sexual or emotional. i am not sure about the underlying cause but i couldn’t even get a erection. And if i got one it was hard to keep it up. i even stopped masturbating for a while. i just wasn’t feeling it. Mistress A. is very sexual, She knows what She want and how She wants it. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex pretty much every night and She could (and still can) orgasm several times in a row. Just like me, She was very dissatisfied with our current arrangement and bluntly expressed Her opinion to me on more than one occasion. This was a very terrifying period for me as this was very similar to something i experienced with my previous girlfriend – just before meeting Mistress A. We both knew something had to change. In fact we both wanted it to get the back to the old times, Her wielding the crop and me in a french maid uniform and high heels, wielding a vacuum cleaner.
Change arrived in July, just a few weeks ago and we are now easing our way back into D/s lifestyle. This blog, which i am writing in secret is intended to document our way into a near perfect (for us) relationship between a gorgeous dominant Woman and Her submissive and obedient male pet. Although She does not know about this blog, i am writing it for Her as well. i hope that when She eventually finds out it, She will enjoy reading it as the chronicle of our secret lifestyle. i love Her with all my heart and i am very lucky to wear Her collar and be at Her feet.